I'm a little angry with myself today. I've managed to do the one thing I promised myself I wouldn't do — get so caught up in my day job that I put all my other projects on the back burner. I promised myself I wouldn't do it, and yet here I am, knee deep in work commitments while all of my other writing projects are still just ideas percolating in my head.
It's hard to say no in my line of work. I help and work with children and generally young adults who've suffered injuries — usually a brain injury — as a result of a motor vehicle accident. I work with them on their academics, life skills, and help them integrate into the community. Basically, wherever they need help and guidance, I do my best to support them. It's fulfilling work but it can also be exhausting. I spend a great deal of time on the road, travelling from place to place, and most of my days are extremely long.
I am grateful for the work and I am grateful that I can make a difference — hopefully — in someone's life. The problem is I tend to put all that first because I have to. I've committed to these kids and the other team members and I hate letting anyone down.
But then it also makes me feel sick that every day passes and I haven't gotten any closer to my writing and creative goals. This angst I'm feeling right now is of course my own doing. I could have said no to a couple of the kids, but I didn't. And all of that is fine — except when you then start kicking yourself that you're not moving forward in the areas of your life that you truly want to move forward in.
So why do I get so angry and ticked with myself when I know that I'm doing the best that I can? Because I have ridiculous expectations of what I can and should be able to accomplish. None of it is even remotely realistic. Oh yeah, let's add 'go for an hour walk at night' to the list. Who am I kidding? After twelve hours on the road, I hardly have the energy to make dinner, let alone go for a brisk hour walk followed by a round of Pilates.
Seriously, why do I do this to myself? I have no answers. If I did, I wouldn't keep doing it over and over and over. It is definitely a pattern for me. I know in the end I will get everything done that I set out to do, yet it is so hard for me to temper my short-term expectations and to be gentle with myself.
I am not Superwoman. Yet, I expect that I should be. I am only human. Yet, I expect that I should have powers of time, space, and productivity that only exist in the superhero world. I cannot be in two places at once. I cannot will my eyes to stay open when all they want to do is shut. I cannot squeeze twenty-eight hours out of twenty-four. Believe me, I've tried, and it's impossible.
What I can do is be much kinder to myself than I sometimes am. I can talk to myself in a softer tone and not berate myself when I don't quite get something done. I can take baby steps when giant leaps are just too much — and right now, for me, giant leaps ARE just too much.
None of this is a reflection of who I am or the effort I am giving. It is simply a reflection of life and where I am at this exact moment.
And that's really what this is all about. No matter who you are or what you do, it is imperative that you somehow, someway make time for you. We are loaded to the brim with commitments, and it's so hard to say no or to back away. I get it. But I've been doing this high-expectations, everyone-else-first thing long enough to understand that if you don't start taking time for you, then YOU are going to start to break down.
Maybe it's a chronic headache, or sore joints. Or maybe you're so tired you can't sleep anymore, your mind a constant whirl of shit and chatter that you just can't seem to turn off. And the longer you go, the more it builds, until one day, you're just done. I don't want that for me, and I certainly don't want that for you.
So here's my advice — both to you and to me. Take a break. Take a pause. Even if it's just ten minutes to close your eyes, or fifteen minutes of silence on the couch with a cup of tea. Or a hot bath. Or shopping by yourself. Or a short walk because you want to, not because you feel you have to. Or saying no to someone or something. Whatever that pause looks like to you — please do it. Take that time for yourself. Have a cookie. Have a pear. Eat an apple. Rub some moisturizer into your hard-working hands.
I'm spending today chilling. I'm going to make some homemade soup for dinner, snuggle under my blankie, and watch a movie by the fireplace. I will not get angry at myself for doing it or spend the time thinking about what I should be doing. Everything else can wait. I am tired — so very, very tired. So today I'm forcing myself to rest. I hope you can too.