I emailed my friend on Friday afternoon, just saying hi and wishing her a happy weekend. This was part of her response:
"Trishy, you must be the only happy soul out there in the world..."
I've thought a lot about her response and what it means in the context of my life and what is going on in the world today. I know that she has been in a state of quiet these past couple of months as she tries to process the pandemic and now the uprisings, and I completely respect and honour that.
I was there too. When COVID-19 first appeared and we all went into lockdown, I was an anxious mess — just wondering what was going to happen, praying that my family and friends stayed safe, and generally being anxious about all the unknowns. I think we all were.
Then I had a major meltdown (see Meltdown Magic) — and that meltdown was the best thing that happened to me. I needed to let all those emotions out and not let the fear control my life. I can't control the virus, much like I can't control the unrest and upheaval that is happening right now, but I can control my reaction to it.
The last four years or so have been tough for me. A breakup of a family marriage — and in that breakup, losing someone I loved dearly and was extremely close to — and then the loss of my father and best buddy have kept me in a state of perpetual sadness and grief. I haven't always outwardly shown it, but that's where my heart has been.
After my meltdown, I had to make a decision: either continue down the same emotional path or take a sharp left and try to walk a new one. The old path was beaten, dark, grey, and full of pain, and if I continued in that muck, I'm not sure where it would have led. For my own mental health, I had to choose path number two — to finally allow light and joy back into my life and feel that I deserved those things. That it wasn't a disservice to the memory of my dad.
I've always been a grateful person. Grateful for the life I've been given, the gifts I've been given, and the people that surround me and love me. I am truly blessed, and I understand and recognize that. I needed to use that gratitude to shift the balance of how I was going about my life as a whole and on a day-to-day basis. So I did.
It's been a process. A slow, agonizing process. I still have my bad days where the grief and sadness take over, but I've learned to be okay with that and to accept that they will always be a part of me. I had those days about my mom too, but in the past I always had my dad to lean on and to talk to — and together we would pull each other back, one hug at a time. I still have a great support system, don't get me wrong, but it's just different now, and it's that 'different' that is sometimes the hardest thing to accept.
I'm at such a different place right now than I was even three months ago. The pandemic forced me to stop in my tracks and gave me the time to be home and to think that I didn't have before. I thought working twelve-hour days and always being on the road was a great way to deal with my grief — of course it wasn't. It only made me exhausted, frustrated with my job and my life, to the point that I was barely functioning and really no good to anyone.
Here's the thing: you're no good to anyone if you're so depleted that you're spending every day just going through the motions. That isn't fair to others and it's certainly not fair to yourself. I had to make a decision, either continue down the same path or take a sharp left.
Which brings me back to my friend's message. She's right. I am happy. I am extremely happy right now. I am in the best place mentally and emotionally that I've been in in years, and that not only benefits me, it benefits those around me — because my well is full and I can give more of myself to the people I love and the causes I care about.
I am writing again. My creativity has exploded and I'm building things both online and offline that I didn't think I was ever going to get to. My priorities have completely changed. In the chaos of this insanity, my life has simplified.
Despite all the hurt in the world right now, I can no longer be sad. I feel the pain and the fear that surrounds us, and I empathize with all of it. I will do what I can to use my voice and my platform to build a better world. But I can't live in a state of constant sadness anymore — I just can't.
I don't believe that I am 'the only happy soul out there in the world.' I know times are hard. I know spirits are down. All I can do is try to spread some sunshine as best as I can in as many ways as possible. Happiness and hopefulness are contagious. All you have to do is open your heart and your mind — even the tiniest bit — to let that sunshine in.
I can't promise that everything will be okay or that it's all going to work out. But I can promise that I will be here and ready to give whatever I can.