I woke up yesterday morning completely rattled and in a panic. I'd forgotten all my lines for my big scene in the musical production of CATS that I was apparently performing in, and my mind was drawing a complete blank. I didn't know what I was going to do! I couldn't remember a single line of the song or any dialogue. I was in big trouble and was going to ruin the whole show.
I was fine through the opening number, singing and dancing my little heart out alongside my castmates, the booming spotlights following our every spectacular move. Because of the lights, I couldn't see the audience, but I knew they were out there, marvelling at my ability to transform my human self into a ferocious feline.
When the last note of the first scene ended and I scampered offstage, everything became a blur. I forgot where I was supposed to go. I forgot what I was supposed to do. It was full-out panic. I ran, coughing and gagging up a couple of hairballs (because that's what cats do), to the table where my teacher, Mrs. Z, was sitting and just stared at her in complete horror and embarrassment.
"I've forgotten all my lines."
"What do you mean you've forgotten all your lines?"
"I mean, I can't remember a single thing I'm supposed to sing! What am I going to do?"
Just then, Chris Lloyd-Smith — the lead in the show (he was always the lead in the shows because he just had that star quality that Mrs. Z liked and she did all the casting) — walked past the table wearing a fluffy yellow onesie with a hood and feet.
What the hell was happening? Why was he dressed like a duck? This was a musical about cats, for crying out loud! CATS! Not ducks! CATS! And what the hell was the song I was supposed to sing in five minutes?
Then it hit me.
I am not in a production of CATS. I have never even auditioned for a role in CATS. In fact, I don't even like cats in general. They are sneaky, sly, and never upfront about their intentions. And they stare at you — a deeply mocking stare, the kind that makes you rush to a mirror to make sure you don't have jam on your face.
And Mrs. Z? She was my teacher from Grade 4 to Grade 8. I have not seen her since we had a class reunion party at Tavia's house when we were all 19. She showed up, and it was great to see her but also a little awkward since the majority of us were pretty much vomiting over the back-deck railing into a snowbank. Damn Peach Schnapps. That stuff will get you every time.
And that party is also the last time I've seen Chris Lloyd-Smith. The part about him always getting one of the lead roles is true. He was Oliver in our Grade 5 production of Oliver Twist and Watson in our Grade 8 production of Sherlock Holmes. No sour grapes though — he was awesome and never forgot his lines, unlike the person who played the Russian Countess. That was me, and I completely blanked out in the middle of our scene. Thank God Chris covered for me. I think I was too busy concentrating on getting my accent right in rehearsals to bother actually learning what I was supposed to recite on stage.
I've always been more of a 'shoot from the hip, I'm just going to wing it and say whatever pops into my head' kind of girl, so it's a good thing I never went into show business and became an actor. I'm fine with never winning an Oscar or a Tony or an Emmy — although I have prepared and recited my acceptance speech several times in front of the bathroom mirror. More times than I should probably admit in writing.
So why in the hell was I dreaming that I was twelve years old and in an elementary school production of CATS? How should I know? All I know is that I woke up with a sore jaw from clenching my teeth because I was so stressed out. It's crazy how the brain works and makes associations.
This is how my mind works. This is how all of our minds work in the subconscious. Brains are constantly taking everything in — what we see, what we do, how we feel. Every last bit of information gets stored away like little file folders in memory. Then, when there is some sort of association during the day, sure as hell, that little file folder opens while I'm sleeping, and I dream about it.
When I start having these types of fantastical dreams on a consistent basis, I know that I'm in a good mental space. I know that my stress levels are low and I'm in a calm, peaceful place. It's a good place to be, especially when you haven't visited that place for a very long time.
The point is, listen to your gut. Listen to your heart. Listen to your brain and your imagination. Listen to all of it. Take what you need from each but don't let one overpower the other. We are the only ones who can hear what we ourselves are saying, and too often we discount what 'we' are saying and instead believe what others are saying about us or for us.
'You want to be a writer? They don't make any money. Better to get a real job.'
'Well that's just a dumb idea. It won't work.'
'You want to do what? Are you crazy?'
Blah. Blah. Blah.
You have to be the driver in your life. You have to want things for yourself. You have to believe that you deserve to live the life that you want to live. If you keep waiting for someone else to give you permission to be the person you know you can be, then my friend, you're going to be waiting a very long time.
The whole of your body is constantly giving you signals as to which direction it wants to go. Your job is to listen to it. Feel it. Open your mind to the possibilities it's throwing your way — because it is constantly throwing possibilities and potentialities your way.
Personally, I feel the tide shifting in me. I know that I'm on the cusp of a great new adventure. The engine is sparking, and I just need to gather a few more belongings before I rip it into full gear.
If you feel it in your soul, go for it. If you feel it in your heart, go for it. If you feel it in your gut, go for it. If you feel it in all three at the very same time, then do not waste another moment — because the universe is practically screaming at you!
Just take that first step. Don't wait a minute longer. Find that motivation from within, pack your suitcase, and get going.
Now if you'll excuse me, I just thought of something I need to add to my acceptance speech. Let the adventure begin...